FIVE HABITS OF HEALTHY HOMES Habit #5 - "Loving Your Spouse"

FIVE HABITS OF HEALTHY HOMES Habit #5 - "Loving Your Spouse" Ephesians 5:21-33 September 30,  2001 Given by: Pastor Rich Bersett [Index of Past Messages] Introductory One cynic said "Marriage is the joining together of two very different genders in a lifelong attempt to at least get along." It is true in a sense-the biggest challenge of this awesome union God called marriage is finding common ground and understanding between two people who just don't see things the same way. The bestseller, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, made a lot of money for its author. But all he did (in his rather boring book) was state the obvious. Men and women think and behave differently, and that truth makes the "mix" of marriage interesting, if not frustrating. I ran across a list recently of things you're not likely to hear a man say: • "Here, honey, you use the remote." • "Oooh! Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt?! That's one movie I gotta' see!" • "While I'm up, can I get you anything?" • "Hey, forget Monday Night Football! Let's watch Ally McBeal!" • "We never talk anymore!" Then, of course, there is the list of things you're not likely to hear a woman say: • "What do you mean, today's our anniversary!?" • "Can we just not talk tonight? I'd rather just watch television." • "Whoa! This diamond is way too big! Don't you have something smaller?" • "Oh don't stop for directions, dear, I'm sure you can figure out how to get there!" • "I don't care if it is on sale, $300 is way too much for a designer dress." Getting along across our gender borders - is it possible? One clever observer wrote: "Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married; and she didn't have to hear about how well his mother cooked." I want to offer a key question for us to consider this morning: What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? We Christians know it is true that God uses everything else in our lives to help shape us into the image of Christ. Would it be unreasonable to assume he would use marriage? And what if that were His PRIMARY purpose for marriage, besides all the other obvious things, including meeting our need for intimacy and procreation?! Ephesians 5:21-33 - Please note that this first verse we read (21) is the "controlling verse" of the entire passage-all the rest make sense, being interpreted in light of verse21. "SUBMIT TO ONE ANOTHER OUT OF REVERENCE FOR CHRIST. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-for we are members of his body. 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." This passage is often quoted at wedding ceremonies, but it is also often at the center of disagreement, especially words like "submit." The believer who is serious about his study of the Word of God knows, though, that submission is a general command for all followers of Jesus. We are first to submit to the Lord in humility. Then He teaches us to submit to one another, as verse21 exhorts us to do. What that submission means, in a practical sense, is that we acknowledge the needs of others before our own and submit ourselves to the ministry of meeting those needs in the best way possible. It is our imitating the ministry of Jesus, who did not consider His heavenly, divine existence more important to cling to than the higher need of coming to earth to be a man, a perfect man, then dying in payment for our sins. Philippians 2:1-11.That is the ministry of every believer - to have this same mind/attitude as Jesus had when He gave up His rights and comfort (even glory) for us. That's why it is possible for Paul to say to wives, "Submit yourselves to your husbands" AND to husbands "submit yourselves to your wives." Yes, he did say that (vs. 21!). When he gets specific (verse 22-33) he tells wives specifically that they need to overcome their temptations to want to be "in charge" and defer to their husbands as "heads" of the home. Husbands face a different temptation - for the men, it is hard to be loving, tender and caring. So, to them Paul says, "Husbands, love your wives…" For each partner, obeying these commands is "submitting" to the needs of the other. During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed a $100 bill to the pastor and walked away satisfied. The big day came and the bride and groom exchange their vows. When it comes time for the groom's half of the vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will never so much as look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." Then he leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor leaned back at him, pressed the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer." In every category of our lives, God uses circumstances, issues and trials to refine us and to purify and strengthen our faith. Maybe He is interested in using the most intimate and personal relationship you will ever have in this life for this holy purpose. His will is to make you, one step at a time, a better citizen of His kingdom. We "are being transformed into his likeness with every-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit" (2 Corinthians 3:18) Here is an important Kingdom principle that applies well to our relationships in marriage. Jesus said, "Seek first (as top priority) the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33) The problem with many marriages today is that couples seek happiness first and holiness second, and they miss them both in the process. The call of Jesus in the life of His disciple is to GET OUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT. When we pursue God and holiness in Him, the other things we want and need will follow-but these lesser things must never be our primary focus. ILLUSTRATION OF THE MARRIAGE TRIANGLE. Picture a triangle at the top point (angle) is God; at the bottom left point is the wife; and at the bottom right is the husband. The three lines that connect these points are lines of healthy relationship. The husband and wife want to strengthen and grow deeper in their relationship with each other. But they also are connected with their lines of relationship with God. Here's the point, if the couple's primary focus is on strengthening the line (relationship) between them, they will not get very far. But if each one focuses on developing their relationship with God, and they begin to move up that vertical line, what happens to their relationship with each other? They get closer. Here's how and why that works. When you focus on the right things-developing your personal relationship with the Lord of your life-the Lord will make you a better husband (or wife). When you become a better person (husband or wife) you WILL cultivate a better relationship with your spouse, almost by default. For example, if God's Spirit is addressing an issue of impatience in you, you can bet that you are an impatient person. And, if you are an impatient person, I guarantee you it's affecting your spouse! Well, as the Lord leads you to healing and maturity in that realm, and you begin to "undo" the reasons you are vulnerable in the area of patience, than He begins to produce in you that fruit of the Spirit the Bible calls "patience OR longsuffering" (Galatians 5:22). How many of you would agree with me that, if your husband had more patience, he would be a better husband? Okay, then, husbands, if your wife had more patience, would she be a better wife? Without trying to create any grief here, we could all agree that we need patience, and that when we grow in the virtue of patience, we are easier to live with. Try the same with the other facets of the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Ask yourself the question: If tomorrow I began being more like the "filled-with-the-Spirit" person I read about in Galatians 5:22-23, would I be a better spouse? So it is that we must focus on the primary thing-our relationship with the Lord-and trust Him to change us into better people. That means, better husband, wife, dad, mother, son, daughter, citizen… 'Want to build a better marriage? Build a better YOU! Let me share a personal word with you. Charlotte and I have been married over 32 years now, and I have learned a few things about myself through my marriage with her. God has used her to instruct me on how to overcome my selfishness, perfectionism, insecurities as well as a variety of sins in my life. And he has used me to help her become a better woman before Him. Charlotte has been more than a tutor to me, of course, she's been my loving wife and my dearest friend. But because of the changes God has brought about in me through my marriage to Charlotte, He has made me a better husband to Charlotte. And that is true for us both. By God's grace, we have been able to grow together in intimacy, mutual submission and deep and life-long love. If your marriage has grown stale, look in the mirror and ask God how He might transform the person looking back at you. Get the beautiful picture here - God wants to use your marriage relationship to build His holiness in you, which will result in a better you, which will result in a better marriage! I want to add one more passionate word about relationships in marriage. Once you've fallen in love, forget about "falling". Love is a matter of commitment to the other person and has nothing to do with "falling in" OR "falling out" of love. That's a hopelessly juvenile view of love. Biblical love (grown-up love) isn't "accidental," like falling. It is an act of the will. So many failed marriages are accompanied by language like, "well, we just fell out of love with each other!" Listen, marriages can survive occasionally "falling out of love" - it happens to the best of us. But it is your commitment, both to your spouse and your Lord that makes you bounce back. Let me suggest another issue that I have found in my years of ministry - husbands need to better understand what their wives need; and wives need to better understand what their husbands need. I highly recommend a book to Christian couples: His Needs, Her Needs. It's very readable, very clear and very to the point. It's by Willard Harley. I also recommend that you attend the seminar that's being offered by Dr. Gary Chapman at First Baptist in O'Fallon November 1-2. I want to offer four exhortations for Christian couples 1. Honor marriage as God honors marriage It is important to have made public vows in a marriage ceremony. Don't give me that line about, "Well, we don't need a certificate to tell us we're committed to each other!" Yes, you do! If you love each other and you want to sleep together and make a life with each other, get married. I understand I am not politically correct here, but I don't care. I believe God has something He wants to say to His church. I have heard way too many Christian couples say it's okay to live together without the benefit of marriage. Read my lips: God says it's NOT OK! Tons of new research coming out of places like Stanford and Harvard are offering statistical proof that living together unmarried does not enhance a relationship. In fact, the evidence shows clearly it is NOT good for a relationship. And all that from secular research! If you choose to cohabitate without the benefit of marriage you are not only acting defiantly and rebelliously before the moral law of God, you are stacking the deck against a healthy relationship! Young people, listen to me. I know the culture is saying it's okay, but it is NOT OK! What's wrong is wrong, even if everybody's doing it; what's right is right, even if nobody's doing it! There is another way to honor marriage the way God honors it, and that is KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE VOWS. I'm speaking to the issue of adultery, and all extra-marital sexual behaviors. You cannot gloss over the clear Word of God - sexual activity outside the bonds of marriage is wrong. It's wrong because God said so-but God is not just a cosmic killjoy. He knows it's best for you to keep the matter of sex holy. He wants what's best for you! He created you, He created marriage, and contrary to popular opinion He created sexual pleasure! And if we want to know how this whole thing works best, we've got to go to the manufacturer's instructions-the Bible. There it says clearly-only the marriage bed is undefiled. I personally know probably a hundred people who have committed adultery, and there's not one of them today who will tell you they are now glad they did! Not one! Here's what they'll tell you: "It destroyed my life" "It destroyed my relationship with my children" "I'm living with the guilt of ruining two lives". Don't make the mistake of violating your marriage vows for a momentary thrill. All you hold dear gets destroyed when you do! Keep your clothes on outside your own home! The only one who wins in adultery is the devil, because he gets exactly what he wants - killing, stealing and destruction. 2. Focus on your personal relationship to God You are the only one whom God has made you responsible for. He has designed a program of growth for you, and He has predestined you to become conformed to the image of His Son (Romans 8:29). And God pledges to work with you through His precious Holy Spirit living in you to help bring what He began in you to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6). You are responsible before God for your own personal growth, but you are NOT responsible for your spouse's growth and maturity. You may pray for it, and you may hope that your spouse will grow into full maturity in Christ, but you cannot make it happen. It's all up to that person and his/her decision to cooperate with the Holy Spirit of God in them. Ruth Graham said it was a great day in her life when she realized it was not her job to change her husband. She said "It was my job to LOVE Billy and GOD'S job to change him." You are only responsible to love and care for your spouse. You can leave the hard part of changing your spouse to God-only He can do that! Again, I want to encourage you to develop your relationship with the Lord. And He will answer your prayers about your marriage and your spouse. 3. (Once your focus is on fixing only yourself) Prioritize your relationship with your spouse. There are some things that need to be subordinated to your relationship with your husband or wife. The reason is that your marriage relationship is the KEY to unlock the potential of all other issues in your home. Subordinate your relationship with your children. You love your kids, of course, but don't let that relationship outshine your relationship with you spouse. One day (and all too soon, I might add) your children will be gone. And you will find yourself living with this person you lost relationship with years ago. "But I want to raise my kids well and they take lots of time and energy!" I know. God knows. But, hear me well- Men, the best thing you can do for your kids is to love their mother. Women, the best thing you can do for your kids is to love their dad. Show your children what a godly and healthy marriage looks like and they'll grow up craving one just like it! Another relationship you must subordinate to your marriage relationship is you work. Of course, we need to work and earn a living to provide for our families. But be careful of the powerful temptation to call things "needs" that are only "wants". Don't destroy the most important earthly relationship you have by taking on a lover named "career" or "overtime". Vince Foster was the deputy presidential counsel to President Clinton. He spoke to the 1993 graduating class of Arkansas University School of Law just six weeks before his controversial death. In his speech he spoke of his love for his family and his wife of over 25 years. He encouraged the graduates to "balance wisely your professional life and your family life. No one was ever heard to say on a death bed, 'I wish I had spent more time at the office.'" 4. Learn the art of continual repentance and forgiveness Your marriage is going to go through ups and downs. There is no avoiding it. The best thing you can do to weather that roller coaster experience is to learn the art of giving and receiving forgiveness. Let me put that negatively: if you don't learn to repent to your spouse and forgive your spouse, you will never make it! The words "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" are magic to a relationship. If you do not give and receive forgiveness freely, 1. You are being disobedient to the Lord who tells you to forgive 70 X 70 2. You are being ungrateful to the Lord who forgave you at great cost 3. You are prohibiting spiritual growth for you and for your spouse 4. You are running the dangerous risk of developing a root of bitterness 5. You are compromising your ability to withstand the temptation of an affair 6. You are teaming up with Satan in his effort to destroy your marriage Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote some advice to a young couple getting ready to get married. He wrote from a Nazi prison camp where he eventually died for his faith. He said, "My advice to you is this - Don't find fault with each other but accept each other as you are. And forgive each other every day from the bottom of your hears." [Back to Top]